Questionably Helpful Tips for Cold Season

A few tips for the many folks coughing and sneezing their way toward spring.

My great-grandmother’s go-to cough & cold remedy was honey & whiskey. She concocted it in equal parts, but proportions may vary if you like. More whiskey than honey, and you won’t care that you’re miserable. More honey than whiskey, and you can watch the little sugar ants in your kitchen get drunk & pass out on your dosing spoon. (Eventually, they sleep it off and stagger away. Don’t know whether they have hangovers.)

If you eat too many black cherry cough drops, stay close to a restroom, privy, or outhouse. On the other hand, you might too afraid to cough. It’s all in the perspective.

Take a selfie if your nose is gushing like a fountain. Store it as inspiration for a garden sculpture.

Don’t use the floor if you have to spit icky phlegmy stuff. It creates a slipping hazard. Use a spittoon or a cuspidor (depending on your socio-economic spelling level). Paper cups work, too, but they lack class while you’re suffering.

Dispose of used tissues in a trashcan. Do not use them for papier-mâché (aka paper mache) projects. You’ll only be storing the germs for an encore performance.

If you decide to try a sinus flush for nasal congestion, a saline (salt) solution will feel like snorting a swimming pool. A solution made with a few grains of cayenne feels like snorting lighter fluid and sticking a match in your nose. Ditto a solution with ginger, but the afterburn lingers. . . and lingers. . . and lingers . . . .

 

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